Expectations

As I was sitting there rocking and nursing T to sleep tonight I started thinking.  I started thinking about how big he has gotten.  I started thinking about the fact that it probably won't be long before he no longer wants me to rock him to sleep (already if he wakes up when I set him down he rolls over, grabs his stuffed bunny and goes back to sleep).  But most of all, I started thinking about the last year and a bit since he was born*.

T was very proud to "finally" figure out how spoons work.

My kids are a little over 22 months apart and I love that.  I still remember when we told people we were expecting our second child the overwhelming response was something along the lines of "was this planned?" and "already?".  Everyone went on to warn us that it would be hard having two kids so close together because A still needed so much from me.  The thing is that T was very much "planned" and we were excited to have our kids close together.  We knew what we were getting into.  We knew that having two kids under two while DH was working full time and in grad school and while I was working part time from home would be downright crazy; especially since our family is pretty far away.  We also knew that my sister and I are only 21 months apart and very close because of it.  We felt it would be worth all of the work and crazy if our kids could grow up with the kind of bond that my sister and I share.  Thankfully, it wasn't as hard as I expected (though that isn't to say it wasn't/isn't very hard sometimes) and our kids are very close.

A showing T how puzzles work.

As I was rocking my sleeping boy tonight I started thinking about why it was that the last year didn't seem so hard.  In retrospect it really probably was quite hard, but I didn't see it that way at the time.  The only reason I can think of for this is what my expectations for this last year have been.  While I would have loved to have everything totally together before T was born, I knew that between being huge and pregnant in August and the time I spent chasing A around that just wasn't going to happen.  Instead I made an effort to get highest priority stuff done first and work from there.  Once T was born I expected that he would need to be held and nursed a lot. As such, when he occasionally wanted to be set down to stare at toys or the dust bunnies under the couch it was a welcome surprise instead of a relief.  I also expected him to go through 12-18 diapers a day at first which meant that when he was regularly using 18-24 I just sighed and threw another load in the wash (we use cloth diapers, in case you somehow didn't know that) instead of wondering why my baby was peeing every 20 minutes (well, I also realized that this was probably due to the fact that he was also nursing every 20 minutes).  I expected that A would have a hard time adjusting to having to share her time with me so I dusted off my carriers and made sure to do lots of stuff with her while T napped on my chest.  Because I expected these things it really didn't seem like that big a deal to take my newborn and not-quite-two-year-old to the grocery store (well, that and the fact that I just strapped him to my chest and continued life).  After all, it was a bit of a pain logistically, but the alternative was not having food in the house which would be even more of a pain.  The things that I expected I could prepare for physically, emotionally and logistically.

A playing at the turtle pond while T napped on my chest.

What did throw me for a loop were the things that I didn't expect.  I didn't expect that my labor with T would go so fast that my mom wouldn't even have a chance to start driving down from her house 2 hours away before I had him (thankfully we had wonderful neighbors who watched A for us until my mom made it down, I'm sad that they have since moved).  I really didn't expect that after a short and comparatively** easy labor and delivery I would have some complications that make a full recovery take weeks.  What I really didn't expect was that when I woke up the morning after T was born feeling great and wanting nothing more than to go home to see my husband and daughter that I would have to stay two more days because T was jaundiced.  Honestly, those two days were probably harder than any other two days together since he was born and I think it is because an extended hospital stay was the one thing I didn't expect.  I didn't expect that I wouldn't be able to go home to see my girl or that my new son wouldn't be able to wear the cute little hat I knit him because all of his skin would need to be exposed for the lights to work.  I didn't expect that after a VBAC we would wind up staying at the hospital almost as long as I did after my c-section.  I didn't expect that my mom would have to be watching A for that long while recovering from gallbladder surgery or that I wouldn't be able to bring her new grandson home for her birthday.

If you look closely you can still see the yellow around his eyes.

Once I talked to the doctors and the nurses and the lactation consultants I was able to get my expectations in line, however.  I was able to see the silver lining and make the best of everything.  I was able to enjoy the quiet hours I spent laying there with T under the lights*** bonding with my new baby in the same quiet way I had bonded with my older one.  I was able to rejoice in the fact that the degree I had never actually finished had still given me the knowledge to speak intelligently with the doctors and nurses about the treatment and how to make it work for our family and our baby.  Most of all, I had time to just be and recover in ways that I never would have had were I at home with A wanting me to read just one more story and instead had time to lay there and read my own stories on my Kindle.

The two of us under the lights.

This last year has taught me a lot.  I have learned how to better juggle my life.  I have learned just how much my almost-three-year-old can do to help and just how strong her will can be.  I have learned just how fast a baby can crawl when he really wants to get to something before you can stop him.  I have learned how much a barely-one-year-old can get into when his big sister is there to "help".  I have learned how amazing it is to watch children grow and learn every day.  I have learned how frustrating it can be when nothing goes the way you plan.  I have learned how to let go and enjoy what I can.  But most of all, I have learned the power of expectations and how they can shape our lives for better or worse.

He climbed up on his own and got down safely.  I was
standing by just in case.

* I don't want to hear any complaints about my lack of blogging or pictures.  As much as I love writing, I've been rather busy lately and my family comes first.
**Compared to A's birth.  Honestly, even with the issues I had later, T's birth and the recovery after was way easier than A's.  But that is a story for another day (if I ever find time).  All I will say is that I prefer natural childbirth to a c-section any day of the week even though I am really, really thankful for the doctor that delivered A and kept us both safe.
*** The standard way to do phototherapy is to keep the baby in a bassinet under UV lights.  However, T would not have any of that and would scream his little lungs out and refuse to nurse which just made stuff worse.  The solution that we found with the help of a very helpful lactation consultant was for him to lay next to me while I was awake and to put the lights over both of us.  Since I was nearby he stayed much calmer and was even able to nurse under the lights which would not have been possible with the standard protocol.  This solution is not for everyone, but it worked really well for us and I am thankful for the staff that helped make it happen.